<\/p>\n
In an unprecedented move, His Highness \u00a0President Donald Trump has signed an executive order, declaring that God is officially an American citizen. According to Trump, this revelation came to him during a \u201cperfect, very special conversation\u201d with the Almighty.<\/p>\n
\u201cGod spoke to me\u2014he speaks great American, by the way, the best,\u201d Trump announced during a press conference held at Mar-a-Lago, flanked by golden statues of eagles and an inexplicable life-sized ice sculpture of himself. \u201cHe said, \u2018Donald, you\u2019re the chosen one. You\u2019re the greatest. You\u2019re better than Moses, better than Lincoln.\u2019 He said I\u2019ve got to make sure everyone knows he\u2019s American, just like me.\u201d<\/p>\n
The president went on to declare that God\u2019s accent was \u201clike a mix of John Wayne and Elvis Presley,\u201d and that divine communication had inspired him to begin writing a new holy text: The Book of Donald. \u201cIt\u2019s going to be the most incredible book,\u201d Trump explained, holding up a blank leather-bound volume emblazoned with his name in gold lettering. \u201cBetter than the Bible, believe me. People have been saying it for years, the Bible\u2019s great, but it\u2019s missing something\u2014me.\u201d<\/p>\n
According to Trump, The Book of Donald will include commandments such as \u201cThou shalt always stay at a Trump property when in need of sanctuary,\u201d and \u201cBlessed are the billionaires, for they create jobs.\u201d Early excerpts leaked to the press reveal chapters titled \u201cThe Great Flood – Fake News\u201d and \u201cGod\u2019s real name is Donald.\u201d<\/p>\n
When asked how he reconciles this with centuries of religious tradition, Trump dismissed the question. \u201cLook, the Bible\u2019s outdated, okay? No one reads Leviticus anymore. Sad. The Book of Donald is going to be tremendous\u2014lots of pictures, short chapters, all the best words. Even God said it\u2019s the best book he\u2019s ever seen. He likes me a lot.\u201d<\/p>\n
Critics have expressed confusion and outrage, but Trump remains unfazed. \u201cThe haters and losers don\u2019t get it, but the true believers do,\u201d he said, adding that copies of The Book of Donald will be available exclusively through Truth Social, alongside limited-edition MAGA prayer shawls.<\/p>\n
As for God\u2019s American citizenship, Trump claimed that paperwork is already being fast-tracked. \u201cHe\u2019ll have the best passport, the best benefits, and, of course, I\u2019m putting him on Mount Rushmore next to me,\u201d Trump declared.<\/p>\n
The press conference ended abruptly when Trump left the podium, reportedly to meet with \u201cdivine advisers\u201d over cheeseburgers and Diet Coke. Meanwhile, rumors swirl that the Vatican has convened an emergency meeting to address what Pope Francis is said to have called \u201ca very strange and deeply concerning situation.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sources close to Trump suggest his next project might involve rewriting the Lord\u2019s Prayer, beginning with, \u201cOur Father, who art in Mar-a-Lago.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
In an unprecedented move, His Highness \u00a0President Donald Trump has signed an executive order, declaring that God is officially an American citizen. According to Trump, this revelation came to him during a \u201cperfect, very special conversation\u201d with the Almighty. \u201cGod spoke to me\u2014he speaks great American, by the way, the best,\u201d Trump announced during […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":16032,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2541],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\n