In a shocking and unprecedented move, the UK government has announced a proposal for sweeping reform to eliminate the use of personal names on all official documents, including passports, driver’s licenses, and national identification cards. If approved by Parliament, UK citizens will be identified solely by a series of alphanumeric codes based on their first and family names with additional unique identifiers.
According to the Ministry of Information, the decision was made to streamline the process of identity verification and reduce the risk of fraud. “Names are outdated and prone to duplication,” stated Minister Justin Strongbow soon to be known as Citizen 453HJK-87. “By transitioning to a numerical system, we can ensure that each individual has a unique identifier that is easy to manage and impossible to replicate.”
The new system, referred to as the Universal Numeric Identification Protocol (UNIP), will assign each citizen a 12-character code at birth. This code will replace all instances of the individual’s name in government records, banking details, and even educational certificates. For example, instead of being known as “Jane Doe,” one will be known as “Z3Q9L2P6J1X5.”
Public reaction to the announcement has been mixed. While some welcome the change as a bold step toward modernization, others have expressed concerns about losing a fundamental aspect of their identity. “I don’t want to be just a number,” lamented Maria Sanchez, now 5X3L8N2V4P0K. “Our names carry our history and culture. This feels like an erasure of who we are.”
However, the government has assured that this transition will not erase cultural identity. “We are not erasing history; we are merely optimizing it,” said Strongbow. “Citizens are free to use their personal names in social contexts, but for official purposes, the numeric code will provide unparalleled efficiency.”
Tech companies are already developing apps to help citizens remember and use their new identifiers if this legislation survives the two houses of government and Supreme Court Challenges. The app “MyNumID” promises to store and recall your unique code with a simple voice command. Additionally, tattoo parlours are expecting an increase in requests for permanent numeric identifiers, ensuring that one’s official number is always at hand—or rather, on hand.
Critics argue that this change could lead to dehumanization and increased surveillance. “It’s like we’re all becoming products with barcodes,” said privacy advocate Alexa Thompson, now 2J4N8K5Q9L1R. “There are serious implications for privacy and personal freedom.”
In response to these concerns, the government has promised strict regulations on the use of these numbers, ensuring that they are only accessible to authorized personnel. Additionally, a committee has been formed to oversee the transition and address any issues that may arise.
As the world watches this bold experiment in bureaucratic efficiency, only time will tell if the benefits outweigh the potential drawbacks. For now, citizens are advised to embrace the future of administrative simplicity.
In the meantime, those nostalgic for the days of personal names might find solace in the classic works of literature, where characters had names and not numbers. Alas, for better or worse, the era of Mr Darcey and Elizabeth Bennett of Pride and Prejudice has given way to 8H2P5L7Q3K1N and 9Z6J4M8V2Y5L.
